Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Festival Special!!! Please Read Before It's Too Late

Danny Walker 1’s 101 Guide to Surviving Festivals

Make Sure Them Tickets Is Real
If you bought your tickets from eBay and they took 13 weeks to ship from Hong Kong, you’re NOT getting in. If you bought them from the DVD guy who frequents your local pub every pay day, you’re NOT getting in. If the terms and conditions are scribbled in crayon and state, ‘You know what? You’ve got a better chance if you just run through the gates’, you’re NOT getting in. If a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend says that HE can easily get you tickets - even though they sold out in seven minutes, you’re NOT getting in. If they have a hologram/ foil logo that smells of chocolate, you’re NOT getting in. If you won them from a RWD competition, you’re… only joking, you know we couldn’t do that to you.

Believe Us When We Say, ‘You Can Never Take Enough Bog Roll’
Ok, so you’re going to o2, V, Reading, Download, Sprite Urban Games or some other 20-hour gathering of like-minded nutters. Now, just because it’s not an overnight tent-ting, doesn’t mean you can’t bring a couple of sheets with. Remember in the height of summer, a doo doo finger can be smelt up to half a mile away.

Don’t Get Too Lick Off
Most (if not all) of the outside shindigs let you drink to your liver’s content. Remember be of a legal age and drink in moderation. We don’t wanna see your drunken arse in a spoof Mastercard email on Monday morning; ‘Ticket to the summer’s best festival, £100. Unlimited drinks for you and your mates, £300. Stripped naked on the hottest day of the year with jam spread on your genitals and a family of worker ants nesting in your nether regions, PRICELESS’.

Finally Go Home And Tell All
Don’t be all modest; just cos they couldn’t afford to go you can still boast like a teenage mother whose child just burped the word ‘Burberry’. Say you went backstage, had your photo taken with Pete (but he ate it), found a wallet, slept with a drummer, went on the ‘wild’ tour bus and they just dropped you off. Make them wish they had gone and are so keen they buy YOUR ticket for next year.


LIONESS said...

lol I laughed more reading this than when Aisleyne was doing the Dutty Wine in the BB bathroom.

"make sure them tickets is real"