Here’s a random feature which kinda appeared in the ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ issue of RWD (Issue 57 – August 06)
Don’t front like you’re the coolest log in the bog, your dry extremities protruding through brown open toed sandals are proof alone there’s a geek within. Words by Danny ‘On the 4th Series of 24, Jack…’ Walker
It Ain’t Nothing But A G Thang
Geeks have been plodding this [once] green Earth since its day of creation; even the dinosaurs had a few intellectuals amongst ‘em. Legend has it; the Nerdosaurus was a cardigan-wearing vegan. Look back and you’ll see all types. Jesus was a geek!!! I mean what kind of carpenter would perform miracles on a Sundays and not charge double-time? If you think about it, feeding the 5000 was just him flexing his algebra muscles. Turning water into wine… Advanced Chemistry. Walking on water… erm… ah…
At this precise moment, you’re cleaning your taped-up ‘Should have gone to Specsaver’ one-aways thinking this ain’t you right? Wrong. History can show a lot about the modern-day geek - much like low-cost ladies of the night, they come in all shades, shapes and sizes (ask Sven). I remember studying Ancient Geek at school; there were many Gods, but none bigger than:
Just cos the motherf*cker’s in a wheelchair doesn’t mean he can’t murk. He’s one of the strong [minded] Geek Gods. He could strike you down with ease, leaving tire tracks over your boxfresh kicks or simply type in a cold-hearted cuss. He deaded Kofi Annan last week, [Robot voice] I-took-your-mum… for… a… ride last week, she broke-my-legs [/Robot voice].
Don’t Hate Appreciate
RWD know why you refuse to tell anyone your middle name and shun who you really are. Much like JC himself you don’t wanna be persecuted, so you keep up this facade. You hide your original still-packaged Star Wars toys, complete collection of The O.C. boxsets and/ or autographed wallet-size photo of Jim Davidson. You get the train/ bus/ car to school/ college/ work instead of roller blade/ pogo stick/ BMX and you refrain from telling people your mother still cleans behind your ears. This needs to stop.
Say It Loud Say It Proud
It’s only when you’re finally on terms with your inner Poindexter, you can come out to your parents – Leaving around finished Sudoku puzzles and Billy Elliot theatre stubs isn’t enough. Forget the haters, be your own boss. Thick polyester is a good look, white socks can be worn with everything and braces will keep your Transformer pants from showing. Powerpuff Girl lunch boxes (with matching t-shirts and flasks) are in and your so-called pals will soon figure out the sexual excitement in trainspotting.
Remember, Revenge is Best Served Cold
Once you’ve shed your ‘cool’ skin, things will be brighter than a tramps nose on Christmas Day. You’ll feel normal; bear in mind nerdy is your normal, packed lunch is your forte and computer parts are your friends. If everyone comes out like you, stat-anoraks will no-longer be the mouse-like minority but the move-making majority. Beauty and the geek – bring it on!!!
Ancient Geek Hall of Fame
Alexander the Geek
A cold-arse killer… of paper cup communication this book-worm invented the telephone. Mankind and the rip-off mobile phone companies owe a lot to Alexander the Geek.
Bar Steven Hawkules, Alberdite was the smartest of the God’s, the God of Love, Passion and Dem Tings Dere. Feared by Zeus (aka Carol Vorderman), as one blast of E=MC² could make an army instantly fall asleep.
Leader of N*E*R*D, Pharrelles is a legend and will always be known in Ancient Geek history. This skateboarder is famous for the heel on his ‘fashionable’ Ice Cream trainers and taking out Troy almost single-handedly.
King Rick Moranious
Although run out of things to shrink King Rick’s a pioneer in Geekology, continues to go from strength to strength, and is still somehow in Hollywood. Rick aka Wayne Szalinski’s got the glasses, the voice, the height and the history. Long live the King.
Bill ‘Eros’ Gates
Son of Alberdite, Bill ‘Eros’ Gates is the God of Love. Cos he loves to chat sh*t, about I have to update my Operating System every two years. I’ll give you an ‘illegal operation’.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Here’s a random feature which kinda appeared in the ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ issue of RWD (Issue 57 – August 06)
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
House of Lordz Vol.1
Certainly grafting on the underground circuit and after a long wait, Tha Lordz drop their debut mixtape. As we expected tighter than tight production (as usual from Terror, D.O.K., Magnum and the camp) meets with catchy flows and dance stopping bars. Joined by DE-Velopment, Triple Threat, 2Nice (and Purple for Chinese Whispers); Royal, Krucial, Cyclone & Specs impress on Breathe, Do What U Do, Do Your Thing, and the barrific Not That Guy. All RWD can say is that we can’t wait for the Aftershock album, cos you know that’s gonna be big.
Track to Check: Everybody Knows feat. DE-Velopment
We’ve recovered from our mad Weekender and let us tell you it was a barmy affair. The whole of Victoria Park and its festival atmosphere was second to none; we even witnessed vegetarians having a good time…
Not even London Transport’s unreliable underground could keep us from our E3 destination and Mile End station threw up many who were in the vicinity just for some Volvic Lovin’. A short ‘five minute’ walk from the station (the handwritten sign falsely depicted), it didn’t take long to reach the park’s perimeter – but it was a little over five minutes.
Apart from the green wall of steel, it was the big wheel that caught our eyes. The scaled-down, budget friendly, London Eye type wheel seemed to attract quite a lot of punters – we’re still not sure how. The view must have been good though, looking out across the extensive scorched earth, numerous tents and suntanned festival goers.
Being the [apparent] day of rest we thought we’d ask a few heads about the previous days event, “All I can say is on Saturday Groove Armada smashed it,” in-between sips of his hop-filled beverage. “What I loved about Saturday was the fact that the atmosphere was so relaxed and there wasn’t a hint of trouble.” We didn’t see any shoddy shenanigans either on our exploration of the grounds. Just before we part the fiery haired Jamiroquai fan, he tells RWD, “Oh, you guys missed Roots Manuva too, [and goes on to sing a few choruses].” Thanks pal; sorry we didn’t catch your name, how rude of us.
Volvic turned up the Volcancity at the Volvic Lovebox Weekender and various bands took to Sunday’s stage. Good ol’ Jimmy Cliff was soon up there, giving us live, much welcomed renditions of Wonderful World, Beautiful People, Many Rivers To Cross, The Harder They Come and the much fitting I Can See Clearly Now.
As the sun eventually made its mind up and started to set in the west, it was time for the main attraction. On swirled Jay Kay - obviously sporting his infamous headwear. This time a silver cranium ornament, which seemed as though it was from an ancient Roman battle and Jay with dance moves to match. We ate it up like hot porridge and grooved to the sounds to Jamiroquai. Not mucking about and going straight into chart hits like Space Cowboy, Virtual Insanity and of course the Jul ’98 No.1 Deeper Underground. Boogieing from album track to crowd favourite in quick succession, by the arms waving at the front and the smiles on faces around (including ours), it was a very good end to a very good weekend.
Another up was the vast selection of food outlets, loving those burgers.
And the only downer for the Volvic LoveBox Weekender was the long queue for the ladies lavatory – which throughout the day seemed to be operating a late night one-in, one-out system.
A very good weekend, we can’t wait ‘til next year. For more info check http://www.volvic.loveboxweekender.com/
Friday, July 21, 2006
Best of Both
With a fresh selection of gritty beats, supplied by Mondie, Mastermind Tooperz's Blazer, Ironic, and other street heaters, east London adoptee Shizzle certainly delivers both. Seamlessly switching between his native (Jamaican flow) and fluid LDN slang, it’s a very smooth combination. Dropping conscience and rave-ready lyrics, with stories of pregnant young girls and tales of Dunn’s River (respectively) there is something here for everyone. You can easily sum up this 17 track treat by replacing 'Best ' with 'A Really Good Selection From'. Definitely playlist I Will Be Der, MSN and Ready Fi D Warfare. Available in all good music stockists now.
Track to Check: Motherland
Friday, July 14, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Is anyone else out there feeling Nio? When he was at RWD In Stereo, he was hitting some high notes boy. Can't wait to see what he comes with next. Check out this cool video, Do You Think You’re Special?
And get on over to his MyCrack now.
You know when you see someone’s lips and they’re sooooo desert dry they make you lick your lips???
Today on the train a man walked on and he had toothpaste crust running down the side of his face. Instead of saying anything (as standard) about three people wiped their OWN faces – including me - and made sure it wasn’t contagious or something. I guess you had to be there.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Who said being Deputy Editor of RWD didn’t include taking half a day off to play Nintendo’s forthcoming 3rd Generation console??? Cos looking back at my contract I swear this kinda shit was written in.
In-between some long arse hours, England’s dreadful World Cup exit and moaning about not having a Boy Better Know t-shirt I recently found my way along to check out the Nintendo
PS - We weren't allowed to take pics of the screen cos it doesn't come out 'til crimbo - So if any Nintendo bigwigs are reading (as if), it was Raj Kapone. Email me and I'll give up his details in a flash - obviously in exchange for a console. [And don't try send me a SNES - YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT!!!]
I’m not even gonna lie I haven’t been hyped over a console in tiiiiime. Here I am playing Wii Sports – Tennis. Very very big, innovative and cash worthy. Check my Federer serve!!!
The PS3 is on the horizon yes, but I hear you’re gonna have to re-mortgage your little sister’s playhouse to even afford a controller so boy? I think I know which way I’m headed. Unless Sony wanna send
Ps - Don't watch the free three tee
By far the best thing about the
Revolution Wii, is the controller. It senses where you move it and whatnot with some crazy arse ‘Johnny 5’ sensors. Apart from Tennis (which I was unbeaten on), Golf, Baseball, Warioware (me thinks), I played a biggle Duck Hunt type game (granted I lost to Raj), where the controller/ mega wand acts as a mo-fo gun, so the possibilities are blooming endless… don’t even get me started on this bad boy add-on>>>
Who knows about photography??? Huh? Shut up and sit down, you're weaker than my nan's tea blud!!!
Check out MyCrack.com/jamesakaqueenie
I’ll put my hand on my heart and admit, I’m not the best of Paintballers. The best shot I ever did in my entire balling career was on a ‘pals’ ankle from 3 millimetres away in college. It was the best, it swelled up like a someone had stuck a shish kebab in his sock – so funny.This time around, I was merely ok. My best moment came when I grabbed the briefcase [single handed on a suicide kamikaze mission] which led to our team winning the game OR ambushing three young maidens and firing several clips into their unsuspecting backs – I don’t ramp!!! Don’t worry ladies, they got me back. The smallest of the felines managed to let off a round which shot me square in the chest, in-turn fracturing my soul, leaving me in excruciating pain and thinking about what I had done. If you’re reading this girls… Here’s a few letters of apology – A... P...O!!!
I witnessed my friend get the worst betrayal of ALL Time. Jesus Christ being ratted out by Judas is NOTHING compared to what I saw with my goggled googlies. Here’s the short version of the hilarious story (for the hilarity you probably had to be there)… Just before the penultimate game, my pal’s gun decided it wanted to play up. So whilst he was asking the Marshall about how he was going to rectify the situation, my other friend SHOT HIM IN THE BACK OF THE EXPOSED HEAD. Causing the lump which you see above.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘it’s all part of the game’, right? Wrong – THEY WERE ON THE SAME TEAM!!! [Queue Laughter]
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Been a relaxing weekend just chillin mainly, so then me and my mate thought we'd go west. Little did we know outside John Lewis, Wiley and man would be doing Eskimo Dance...big. Free to get in and that and it was ok still.
Friday, July 07, 2006
First of all, you have to read here - Chantelle Fiddy's post Woah!!! Someone put reins on Fiddy cos she’s about to buss someone’s eye piece. I wouldn’t say that this is a rant, more of Chan getting some venom and/ or TRUTHS off her chest. What she just said – for those that just skim read – is what has been coming for a long while.
First let me drop my views on the grime scene. Right now grime is at a very important stage. I think it’s at the sink or swim crossroads. Sporadic dropping of long awaited mixtapes, artists who spend tooooo much time on road, MSN, MySpace and up their own ARSE (about email your manager!!!), make me think it will sink but the likes of JME keep reassuring me that the scene I personally love will swim. I’m not sure whether it’s money for studio, laziness or actually lack or talent that has caused this unwanted drought. I feel well presented mixtapes/ regular EPs are the way to go – but these cost money to produce. Where do a large majority get the money from… road. Hence the vicious circle. For this I blame society, I remember the days when holding down a 10-6 was the one. Peeps would be over-hyped off earning a weekly JD, Footlocker, or Waitrose honest wage packet. Those days are gone. Easy-Ps, shanks and slewing reign.
The subject of ladies: I’ll be the first to admit girls/ women in the media spotlight (in front and behind the scenes) always get judged differently from guys. That (unfortunately) is the way humanity is! Blame The Romans or something. There is not much you can change about that I’m afraid girls, except keep coming correct and continue working twice as hard. Which is already evident by the amount of work Chantelle,
I would just like to note ONE point, Chan states, “Shit if I could MC I'd release a record.” - Go on then go on then, I swear you’d do better than
Seriously. Big up Fiddy every time, loved these line, “Don't get it twisted though - unlike the talkers, I'm walking and earning my p's. Anyone who's got time to sit on forums all day when they're not getting paid for it can't be stacking.”
And dub step, dub step is moving blud...
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Starting with ever-philosophical Mike giving the listener a smooth life lecture, "I wonder. Love looks forward, hate looks back, but fear, fear has its eyes all over its head." Then Leo the Lion doing his thing on the catchy chorus which is a take on The Hardest Way To Make An Easy Living original. Leo recites, "I'm not looking at ya, I'm looking past ya..." It soon goes onto Skepta's 16 about mans looking in his face, the ever impressive Wretch 32 who "Ain't got time for screwing these flatheads". Ghetto takes over and as usual he goes mad setting off at 400 words per millisecond - loving the flow, Tinchy who's back u know AND night like a local geezer. DE-Velopment then smacks it with that Midland twang, and fresh (I repeat FRESH) Bossman bars ending with big bars from Big Frisc[o]. Mike puts the full stop on the track with little remark about getting shanked at a cash machine - Naughty. The only let down to this massive track is Tinchy and Skepta use the same, "All eyes on me like 2Pac" line, you'd have thought they would have corrected that in Skinner's shed but obviously not. Well done to Fiddy and co for choosing the right people for the job. Another massive Streets remix.
Coming to a Streets B-Side near you v.soon.