Monday, July 31, 2006

Get Your Geek On!!!

Here’s a random feature which kinda appeared in the ‘Revenge of the Nerds’ issue of RWD (Issue 57 – August 06)

Don’t front like you’re the coolest log in the bog, your dry extremities protruding through brown open toed sandals are proof alone there’s a geek within. Words by Danny ‘On the 4th Series of 24, Jack…’ Walker

It Ain’t Nothing But A G Thang
Geeks have been plodding this [once] green Earth since its day of creation; even the dinosaurs had a few intellectuals amongst ‘em. Legend has it; the Nerdosaurus was a cardigan-wearing vegan. Look back and you’ll see all types. Jesus was a geek!!! I mean what kind of carpenter would perform miracles on a Sundays and not charge double-time? If you think about it, feeding the 5000 was just him flexing his algebra muscles. Turning water into wine… Advanced Chemistry. Walking on water… erm… ah…

Deny Denial
At this precise moment, you’re cleaning your taped-up ‘Should have gone to Specsaver’ one-aways thinking this ain’t you right? Wrong. History can show a lot about the modern-day geek - much like low-cost ladies of the night, they come in all shades, shapes and sizes (ask Sven). I remember studying Ancient Geek at school; there were many Gods, but none bigger than:

Steven Hawkules
Just cos the motherf*cker’s in a wheelchair doesn’t mean he can’t murk. He’s one of the strong [minded] Geek Gods. He could strike you down with ease, leaving tire tracks over your boxfresh kicks or simply type in a cold-hearted cuss. He deaded Kofi Annan last week, [Robot voice] I-took-your-mum… for… a… ride last week, she broke-my-legs [/Robot voice].

Don’t Hate Appreciate
RWD know why you refuse to tell anyone your middle name and shun who you really are. Much like JC himself you don’t wanna be persecuted, so you keep up this facade. You hide your original still-packaged Star Wars toys, complete collection of The O.C. boxsets and/ or autographed wallet-size photo of Jim Davidson. You get the train/ bus/ car to school/ college/ work instead of roller blade/ pogo stick/ BMX and you refrain from telling people your mother still cleans behind your ears. This needs to stop.

Say It Loud Say It Proud
It’s only when you’re finally on terms with your inner Poindexter, you can come out to your parents – Leaving around finished Sudoku puzzles and Billy Elliot theatre stubs isn’t enough. Forget the haters, be your own boss. Thick polyester is a good look, white socks can be worn with everything and braces will keep your Transformer pants from showing. Powerpuff Girl lunch boxes (with matching t-shirts and flasks) are in and your so-called pals will soon figure out the sexual excitement in trainspotting.

Remember, Revenge is Best Served Cold
Once you’ve shed your ‘cool’ skin, things will be brighter than a tramps nose on Christmas Day. You’ll feel normal; bear in mind nerdy is your normal, packed lunch is your forte and computer parts are your friends. If everyone comes out like you, stat-anoraks will no-longer be the mouse-like minority but the move-making majority. Beauty and the geek – bring it on!!!

Ancient Geek Hall of Fame

Alexander the Geek
A cold-arse killer… of paper cup communication this book-worm invented the telephone. Mankind and the rip-off mobile phone companies owe a lot to Alexander the Geek.

Alberdite Einstein
Bar Steven Hawkules, Alberdite was the smartest of the God’s, the God of Love, Passion and Dem Tings Dere. Feared by Zeus (aka Carol Vorderman), as one blast of E=MC² could make an army instantly fall asleep.

Leader of N*E*R*D, Pharrelles is a legend and will always be known in Ancient Geek history. This skateboarder is famous for the heel on his ‘fashionable’ Ice Cream trainers and taking out Troy almost single-handedly.

King Rick Moranious
Although run out of things to shrink King Rick’s a pioneer in Geekology, continues to go from strength to strength, and is still somehow in Hollywood. Rick aka Wayne Szalinski’s got the glasses, the voice, the height and the history. Long live the King.

Bill ‘Eros’ Gates
Son of Alberdite, Bill ‘Eros’ Gates is the God of Love. Cos he loves to chat sh*t, about I have to update my Operating System every two years. I’ll give you an ‘illegal operation’.