Thursday, January 01, 2009

How to Survive 2009



We’re moments from the New Year, and mind-melting money matters are lingering like an eggy fart in a lift. But instead of trying to figure out who squeezed out the ill-tasting satanic smell, RWD guide you through the best ways to make it to your floor without throwing up. Behold our guide to surviving the ‘Credit Crunch’… words by Danny Walker

You may think we’re mad comparing this worldwide financially fierce time to a bottom belch, but think about it; the Credit Crunch stinks like sh*t and no-one knows which arse started it. Home buyers are looking at bankers for answers, bankers are looking at politicians and politicians are looking at pictures of underage boys on the Internet.

It’s true; there is a worldwide recession right now and in simple terms, this means everyone is watching the pennies/ cents/ goats (if you live in Bahrain, Venezuela or remote parts of Wales). The property market is slower than the queue at Argos, employees are losing their jobs and employers are going down faster than Lindsay Lohan. So if you’ve read about it, watched the detailed documentaries on CBeebies and witnessed your next door neighbour swap their kidneys for petrol, this could be your last chance to survive 2009...

Firstly, sort out your mobile phone bill/ credit...
If your monthly bills are higher than £33 or you’re buying more than £30 in credit each month, you need to re-evaluate your mobile telephone game. This is the crunch folks; do you really need to talk to those people? A phone conversation that lasts longer than, ‘Where are you?’, ‘How long are you running late?’ and ‘What are you wearing?’ is a conversation that should be had either face-to-face or text-to-text (depending on if she’s ugly or not).

Petrol prices are taking the p*ss...
Public transport or a garden hose, a 20 litre jerry can and a breath mint for afters is YOU!!!

Gym membership is a waste of... everything...
Remember 12 months ago when you looked in the mirror, saw a few bulges and instantly signed up for the gym? Well we’ve got news for you... it’s nearly 2009 and you’ve only been to the gym three times (and one of those was to bloody sign up in the first place). You’re shelling out more money per month on membership than you do on food, and worse of all the bulges are still there! In fact the bulges have got some new friends and every time you run for the bus they have a little party above your waistband. It doesn’t matter though cos we love you just the way you are. So if you wanna shed some pounds there are cheaper ways of doing it; try running up and down some stairs (stairs are still free. I think).

Pack that lunch before you jack that lunch...
There is nothing wrong with a packed lunch. Don’t let primary school stigma ruin the taste of perfectly good sandwiches.

Eating in is the new eating out...
If you go out to eat more than once in 2009 you’re wasting money. Nandos, Pizza Express, drive thru CrapD’s... they’re all comforts you can’t afford. Yes, even a romantic anniversary date for two at your local fried ‘chicken’ establishment is too much. Try staying in, lighting a few candles and appreciating your surroundings.

Get another job or something...
Why do you only have one job? Things like days off, the weekends and sleep are for losers.

Fix up, look smart...
In this current climate there’s only one thing you can do regarding the purchase of new clothes. STOP BUYING NEW CLOTHES! Trainers, trousers, t-shirts, tribal headwear... stop! Who needs River Island when you still have that unworn BoyZone all-in-one from 1996? Why don’t you knit a version of your team’s new kit instead of forking out £40? (If your mates take the p*ss, download some new ones).

Are you a cheap-arse boyfriend?
Nothing is cheaper than a cheap boyfriend but f*ck it, we got bills to pay.

Are you a cheap-arse girlfriend?
If he looks at your bank balance before your brains and your beauty, kick him in the balls!

Lastly...
If you stop buying stuff you don’t actually need in 2009 like the latest iPod, a bigger car and things like food, you’ll be just fine. The credit crunch will pass and you’ll be proud of yourself for surviving what is ultimately a scary time.

Remember the above and watch every pound (or goat). Note to all; underwear, toothpaste and paying for transport are now optional. And ladies, if you wanna chip in too that would be great... swap Saturday evenings at the cinema for a night in watching Match of the Day and forget luxuries like perfume too - just dab a bit of lady sauce behind your ear and you’re good to go.

Top 5 ways to stay in the black in 2009
1. Wake up earlier. You may not see it but lateness is attributed to lots of needless spending. Cab journeys, breakfast on the go, pregnancy, and getting sacked all stem from riding the snooze button.

2. Become a monk/ nun. Abstinence is a great way to save monies. Basically if you’re not trying to get some, you’ll be as happy as a paedo at parents evening.
3. Vouchers. Save vouchers for everything and we mean EVERYTHING! You never know when you’ll need a Buy One Get One Free sex change.

4. Stop... smoking, drinking, partying, hosting, dating, buying, eating, trying to be ‘cool’, and talking to remotely attractive people in bars. All of the aforementioned will cost you money.

5. Rent out every living space you can think of. It may sound like a crazy idea but there are some people who will live ANYWHERE. We heard one couple got £50-a-week from an UGG shoe box they were going to throw out. Think before you’re skint.

2 comments:

Hollytorious said...

Hilarious Danny. Please pass on all of these tips to Ms Collins. My favourite was tip no.1 for how to stay in the black...so very, very, true...

your new best friend said...

im trying!
http://theholyholybible.blogspot.com/