The FaceSpace Face Off aka The Facebook Face Off aka MySpace Meltdown

A version of the following article appeared in the June Issue of RWD Magazine...

It takes a special breed of site-skimmer to confront the unconfrontable (ex-partner, over-familiar priest, etc.) If you’re ready to grab your mouse and rumble, Danny Walker is prepared to guide you through the highs and blows of ‘Facing’ online problem-people; come on, what else are these sites for if not to incite stalking, coax hatred and encourage virtual boasting (the likes of which the World has never seen)…

This document is for the dumped; those who regularly peer at an old flame’s profile (whilst desperately praying for their status to read ‘single… and desperate’). It’s for the downtrodden; the geek who’s always wanted to tell a bully to ‘suck out’ (without fear of dead legs, pulled hair or wedgie-based reprisals). It’s for those that were mocked for studying guitar after school while the rest of their year went home (sorry to get strung up on that, but why did you do it again?).
If any of the above has struck a chord, save the cold-sweat confrontations for another day as RWD take a serious-sized social networking gulp on your behalf.

Firstly, the RWD Institute of Social Networking will show you how to confront a few essential people and then we’ll test you to see what you’ve taken in.

How to handle…
The ex-boyfriend – He’s blatantly still having damp dreams over you so stay cool, you have all the power (unless he kicked you to the kerb). Change your profile to ‘Single’ and he’ll soon look elsewhere.

The ex-girlfriend – Even if you haven’t; show her that you moved on weeks before (even if you only broke up a few hours ago). Use your profile to display ‘subtle’ hidden messages like Current Mood: FINALLY FREE!!!

That work contact – So you chat to this person over work emails and all of a sudden they’ve tracked you down online. Damn, they’ve got the hots for you bad. Just play it cool and DON’T BEND OVER to their demands. If you do, your unprotected ‘outbox’ will be stuffed before you know it.

The dirkhead who went to your school (that you don’t really want to talk to) – Don’t blank them straight away, that would be deep. Just give them enough communication so that they feel special… and then blank them.

That fit girl from school/ the bits/ the block – A couple of years on and she may still be looking nice; but face it, she’s probably slept with a bag of man, popped out a couple of yout and gone all flabby… try and get her number still.

Someone who used to hate on you – Cut out a picture of your head and put it on the body of one of a recent lottery winner. Send it to them and pretend you’re gonna share out all the loot.

Please remember this is an EXAMPLE of how to do your confrontation. RWD take no responsibility if you’re tracked down and receive a bosh on the nose.

Now, using what you’ve learnt, now answer this simple questionnaire:
If you’re on a social networking website and...
…you come across an ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend – yes, the same one that discarded you like a ruby-faced sanitary towel – do you;
A – Drop them a little message wishing them, their family and their new bit of stuff the best of health and good luck in the future.
B – Pretend you didn’t see them or their messages and instantly change your profile to ‘In a relationship’.
C – Go on about your life like a normal human being.
D – Close your account, move to Papua New Guinea, change your name to ‘Sunshine’ and seriously consider Cannibalism as a lifestyle choice.

…someone – someone being that inhumanely tall 9 year-old tyrant from the year below who instead of playing football at lunch tormented you with a game called ‘Give Me YOUR Curly Whirly Money’ – messages you about a ‘reunion’, do you;
A – Reply from the office – obviously your work can wait as this is important – telling him how you’ll be there and can’t wait to ‘catch up’.
B – Send a polite message saying why you can’t make it (Your wife/ husband has to go to Iceland on a modelling job and there is no-one to stay in and watch the mansion).
C – Go on about your life like a normal human being.
D – Immediately contact the police and explain to them that you think your old ‘buddy’ is a drug’s mule and give them full contact details (suggesting they should check all orifices for evidence).

…a disgraced celeb and/ or family member tries to befriend you, do you;
A – Reply saying that you’re willing to forgive them for that incident but you’ll NEVER forget. Start a forgiveness group and tell the seven people in your contacts list about the powers of clemency.
B – Blank this invitation unless they’re offing some mind of cash compensation for you to talk to them.
C – Go on about your life like a normal human being.
D – Track them down, steal the computer from their house and/ or cell and destroy it so they can never hurt anyone ever again.

If you mainly answered A, you need to get off the Internet, stop living in the past and go get a life… preferably one which doesn’t involve logging in, signing up or sending out group emails about your pet Hamster.
If you mainly answered B, you need to stop faking your way through life.
If you mainly answered C, social networking just ain’t your thing.
If you mainly answered D, you need to get a job selling caldrons as YOU and your vindictive mentality are wasted on these Job Centre-bound losers.