Enough Already [Sept]: Shockingly Sh*t Birthday Presents

F*cking hell, Nan!!! I know lifesaving hip replacements cost a pretty pensioner’s penny but you need to put your teeth in, zip (ok, zim) down the shops (benefits book in [withered] hand) and exchange this jumper for a PS3 or somin’... [Taken from RWD Magazine]

First off – on behalf of Cash Converters – thanks for the prezzies we got 12 months ago. Being our Fifth Birthday issue, we thought we’d warn you we’re not accepting any gifts from the gutter this year. Stash your knitted cardigans, commemorative cards, emails and letters up your arse. We need you to think bigger... think better... think b... just spend some more bloody money. Just look at the tat above; a hot water bottle, a Napoleon Dynamite keyring, Jake The Snake action figure, stankin’ aftershave, a frickin’ passport holder, a deadout England cup, crap caps and creps, waste books...DEADOUT.

Here are your new Rules of [High Street] Engagement. Keep the receipt. In fact, before you even spend two month’s wages on RWD know this; if it didn’t take an experienced team of Chinese or Koreans years to conceive, we iz not interested. If RWD can’t text (or see The Queen’s face) on it, we don’t wanna know. And if it don’t make Stevie Wonder even blinder with one catch of the sun’s beam, take that sloppy sh*t back to the shed from whence it crawled.

That’s right, for the big 05, we can tolerate cash, bling, expensive electronics and/ or a verbal/ written contract that RWD own your soul (whichever is of higher value). ‘I.O.U’, vouchers of low denomination and any kind of ‘artistic’ homemade crap will be taken as an act of war – and ask Touch; we don’t take prisoners.

After putting the word out, we found it’s not just our b'day mailboxes that have been spammed with debris from disrespectful (and conveniently) distant relatives.